I wish
by Miheam-SP
Summary: Like an idiot, I wish she was still here. Sometimes I can even smell her perfume all over my bed sheets. Or hear her voice while I'm at the office. Or feel her body hugging mine in bed. But she is gone. -DARVEY-


Like an idiot, I wish she was still here. Sometimes I can even smell her perfume all over my bed sheets. Or hear her voice while I'm at the office. Or feel her body hugging mine in bed. But she is gone.

I think I am going crazy. I'm a total mess. I've been like that for the past few months. Since that day. I can't even think about it. I don't want to think about it. I guess I prefer to live life as if she was still here, as if she still loved me. Because she did. She loved me and I loved her and we were both brave enough to admit it. Finally.

I can think about that. Happy memories sometimes help me. Some other times they beat the shit out of me. But today I am in a better mood. I can think about her.

I was tired of being lonely, of not having her. So I went to her cubicle, just in front Louis' office and kissed in front of everyone. She kissed me back for nearly a minute but then, all of the sudden, she slapped me. God, she slapped me hard, that woman.

'What the hell do you think you are doing?' she murmured. I could hear the anger in her voice.

'I can't take it anymore. I can't live my goddam live if I can't stop thinking about you. About us.'

'There's no us, Harvey'

I remember being conscious of the people staring at us. Members of the firm, colleagues. Mike, Jessica, Rachel. Louis was open-mouthed. That was actually funny. I grabbed her and pulled her closer to me, my hands on her hips. I slightly touched her nose with mine and smiled near her lips.

'There could be.' I whispered back. 'Can we get out of here and talk, please?'

I think it was the fact that I begged, or maybe that she couldn't take it any more, but she followed me towards the elevator and into my car. And the rest is history. Long nights together. Days spent around our private banter, as if nothing had changed between us.

But it had. And I was the happiest man on earth, not that I ever admit it out loud. For weeks I was in the best mood 24/7. She would even tease me about being totally smitten. I guess I was. Because of her.

She married me. I didn't know how much I wanted that until she made a comment about it. Something like ' _hey, we should make it official and get married_ '. I was paralyzed. She gave me a crooked smile and caressed my cheek before adding ' _Don't panic, love, I'll let you propose when you're ready._ '

But it got me thinking. She deserved a ring. Well, she deserved everything, but I could start with the promise of a live together. I wanted her to be happy and ( _I don't know why_ ) I seemed to be the one making her happy.

So I made it quick. I got her an enormous ring -which I later had to substitute for a smaller one because she said it was way too much- and proposed.

Her smile.

I could never forget her smile.

I don't ever want to forget her smile.

It was definetely the most beautif thing I've ever seen. She kissed me hard and her lips felt like heaven on earth. We made love to celebrate. Yes, made love. Not sex. She made a pussy out of me and I didn't care. Because she loved the pussy Harvey just as much as the badass lawyer.

I knew how much she wanted a big wedding, but she knew how much a wanted a small one. And once again, she gave up her dream for mine.

We got married in a little chapel upstate. Her family, my brother and our friends from the firm. I didn't want to share that moment with anyone else. And it was perfect.

She was just beautiful. All dress in white, in that mermaid dress that let everyone know that she had an amazing body. A bouquet of blue lillies between her hands, because she wanted to look ' _rustic_ '. At least that was what she said.

While dancing with her after the ceremony she hugged my neck and whispered ' _It was perfect_ '. And I smiled. I think Rachel took a picture of us in that exact moment. I surely have it somewhere. Who cares anymore? She is not here to tell me her memories, to remind me how happy she was, to love me.

I decide to stop thinking about her. At least long enough to take a shower. I have to meet Dr. Agard before lunch and I am far from being presentable to go to her house. It's not that she hasn't seen me in worse condition. In fact, she was at the hospital when it all happened.I guess someone called her because I went crazy.

Most of it is still on a blurr, but I recall shouting to everyone at that goddam hospital. Throwing stuff, maybe even punching someone. Because they kept saying that she was dead and she couldn't be. We were going to Barbados on our first holiday ever. We were thinking about redecorating our bedroom because she said that she could ' _feel every woman in Manhattan lying on those sheets_ '. We hadn't had time to talk about the future.

And they kept saying she was dead. A car accident. A drunk driver. But anything made sense. Because she was her. She couldn't die in a car accident. She couldn't die at all. Not so soon.

But she is dead. I have to start believing it. Dr Agard said that it is the only way I can move on.

I don't want to move on. My life is over. Even though I had always thought that I was strong and determined and independent, my life ended when she died. I can't be him without her. I wasn't exaggerating when I said that. I meant it, because she is everything. My best friend, my lover, my wife, my world.

 _She is everything_.

At least she was. I have to start using the past when thinking about her.

It takes me less than five minutes to get ready. A pair of jeans and a tshirt. No suit. It is meaningless to dress up if I am not going to go to the office. I think Jessica gets it. Or maybe she thinks she cannot trust me anymore when I am this fucked up. But she hasn't asked me to come back.

Mike comes every two days, when he knows I don't have to go to visit Dr. Agard. He sits in my couch and tells me about Louis and his bullshit and Rachel and how she is about to graduate from Law School. He never mentions their relationship and I'm pretty sure it's because he doesn't want t make me think about her. I wouldn't care; I can't stop thinking about her anyway.

I check my watch and sigh when I find that it's still early. I sit on the edge of the bed and grab a piece of paper. Dr. Agard says that I have to write about my feelings. Write her telling her everything, even the smallest detail that goes through my mind. So I take a pen and start writing.

 _Dear Donna,_

 _It has been nearly three months since you left me and I don't know what to do. I can't breathe. It's like I was under the water, in agony, but can't die. I want to die but I am not brave enough to do it. I don't want to let you down, but I don't have a clue of how to live in a world where you don't exist._

 _I just wish you were here. I wish you could kiss me every morning when I am still asleep enough to dream with your face without completely waking up. I wish you shouted at me for leaving the dishes out of the dishwasher, or for kicking my shoes at the door when I get home late at night, or for not closing the toothpaste properly. God, woman, you shouted me too much._

 _But I loved it. As much as I loved how you murmured my name in your sleep, and they way you smiled satisfied when we cuddled in front of the TV, and our special way of communicating without words._

 _How can I live without that, Donn? How can I be me without you?_

 _I wish we had more time. Maybe not being so damn stupid for twelve years and confessing how I felt about you since the first moment I saw you. Because you know that, Donna. I loved you since that night at the bar. Since you told me I was lucky to meet you. God, you don't have a clue how right you were._

 _And now... I don't know. Now I am alone. And lonely. And I don't want to be around anyone anymore. I am ashamed and hurt and angry. You had always been the only one I could tell all of this. You were my secret keeper. My best friend._

 _But I want to try harder. For you. Because if you could you would tell me that I was being an asshole, or a dick or a goddamn idiot. You would ask me to fight. To be happy._

 _I love you Donna, and I always will._

 _Yours,_

 _Harvey._

I closed my eyes and lay down, trying to contain the tears. She was gone. She died and wasn't coming back. She was gone, and still I could hear he voice calling me.

* * *

'Harvey' she whispered. 'Specter I swear to god if you don't wake up right now I will kill you with my bare hands'

I open my eyes and have to blink hard to make sure that I am not dreaming. She is here, I can feel her. Her hair tickling my torso, her hand caressing my cheek.

'Donn' I murmure, still in shock. 'You're here'

'No shit, Sherlock. I need you to finish dinner before Mike and Rachel come while I put Hazel to sleep.'

When I didn't say anything she started looking concerned.

'Harvey, are you okay?' her hands move to my face her lips to my forehead. 'You're not warm. What's wrong with you.'

And then I get it. She is not a dream. She is my reality. Hazel, my little baby that has to be somewhere in the house is my reality too. My life. She isn't dead, she is still my beautiful wife. And I can't be happier.

I kiss her and lick her lips until she opens her mouth. Just to make sure she is real. Just to be sure. Because that goddam dream was real. I can still feel the pain. I can feel how hurt I was for losing her.

'You are actually making me worry about you.' she murmurs when we separate. I don't let her move too far away and kiss her jaw before pulling her into my arms. Her body warm against mine.

'I just had a bad dream.' I whisper 'Give me a minute.'

She doesn't move away. Instead she hugs me harder and kiss the crook of my neck. She gets me. She knows I need her to calm down.

'Promise me you'll let me die before you.' I tell her, stroking her auburn hair.

'What in hell are you talking about.'

'My dream. I couldn't live without you. I was a mess, Donna. Really shitty mess.'

She puts an arm around my waist and kisses me again. She wants to joke about it, make a smart-ass comment about my fears. But I guess she knows that I am serious. I guess she understands how I feel.

'I promise you I'll try really hard not to die any time soon, okay? Is that enough?'

'I guess is as much as I am going to get.'

'Damn right. Do you want to talk about it?' she is running circles on my shirt over my t-shirt and it is really soothing. I feel the dream fading away.

'No. I'm fine.' _At least I'm fine now_.

We both look at the door when a little body pushes it open babbling ' _Dadadadada_ '. Donna smacks a kiss on my lips and when she is about to stand up she returns to my arms and kisses me again.

'Your minute is over, Daddy.' she murmurs towards my mouth.

'Can you finish dinner? I'll put her to sleep.'

'Sure.' She takes Hazel in her arms and places her by my side 'Dada is taking you to bed, sweetie. Give Dada a big kiss, I think he needs it.'

Hazel crawls over my body and places her wet lips on my mouth. Donna laughs when I have to clean my mouth after the kiss. And it fills my heart. It makes me forget completely about my dream, the angst and the darkness. With her, everthing turns into light.

'Thank you, baby.' I tell her hugging her close, following Donna out of the room. 'Did you have fun with Mama today?'

As only response she repeats ' _Mamama_ '. But I think it's enough. Actually it's perfect. I kiss her light brown hair and put her into the crib.

'Sweet dreams, baby girl. I am really happy to have you. I love you.'

She seems to understand that it is time to sleep as she closes her eyes before I turn off the lights. She is such a good girl... Hard sleeper, sweet girl. Donna says I am a proud papa, just to tease me, though she knows it's true. Not even in my wildest dreams I could've thought of having a family with her. Or even having a family at all.

She is still cooking when I close the nursery door carefully not to make any noise. I silently walk towards her and hug her from the back.

'Hey, beautiful'

'Hey. She's asleep?'

'Nearly.' I kiss her neck and fell her smile.

'You know that Mike and Rachel are coming in less than an hour and we haven't got anything to serve them, right?'

'Right now I don't care. That boy could invite us to their house instead of coming here every friday to eat our food.'

'Don't be a dick.' she tells me, stirring the sauce boiling in the pot. 'They always offer it. We don't ever accept because you don't want to leave Hazel with a babysitter.'

'We can take care of her. We don't need any stranger to come here to tell us how to raise our baby girl.'

'We've already had this conversation and we don't have time to replay it. So. Why don't you go to take a shower and let me finish this.'

'I have a better idea. Why don't you turn down the fire, come to shower with me and then I'll help you finish dinner.'

She seems to think about it for around ten seconds. She lets her head fall back until it hits my shoulder. Her eyes stare at me, that sexy smile on her face. She turns off the fire and takes my hand, our fingers laced together. She leads me to the bathroom and I can just think that she is amazing.

'You have to be quick.' she tells me, stripping.

'I'll try my best.'

Watching her like that, gloriously naked, her red hair covering her breast just like in a Renacentist painting makes me realize why I couldn't bare my life without her. She is my everything. She has my heart.

'I love you, Donna' I whisper just before kissing her.

We end up ordering for pizza when Mike and Rachel arrive. Our dinner still on the pot after our shower.


End file.
